Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

The Turkish Top 20:
Things to remember when one takes a day trip to another continent

-Directions should be kept in the front pocket, not the back pocket, where they fall out.
-Do not give food to the stray cats that live in the train station, they get clingy.


-When buying roundtrip train tickets in a foreign language, remember the word for tomorrow. Do not confuse it with the word for yesterday. This rule may be suspended if you have a camera ready to capture the ticketer's expression.
-Kittens are the only animals that can sleep comfortably while intertangled in a cramped space, i.e. tiny upright train seats. Do not attempt, unless of course you truly enjoy not being able to turn your head to the left for the next 24 hours.
-Train, bus, and ferry stations, even in cities that are thousands of years old, are still pretty sketch.
-When faced with a decision between Nescafe and Starbucks, chose Starbucks. Endure the eyerolling of natives, because at least you know that whatever's in that cup was once related to a coffee bean.
-Just because a road looks like it should have a sidewalk on the map does not mean it does. Nor does it mean it is finished, and not, say, a forty foot under construction highway overpass with no railing.


-Expect detours and confusion.
-Do not expect logic, in any form, under any circumstances.
-If you plan to try the local delicacies, do not watch them being prepared. "Kokoreç" doesn't sound all that intimidating, despite its similarities to the English word "cockroach." Until you see them cleaning and roasting sheep intestine.
-Like an Escher painting or your grandfather's angry rants, it is possible to follow a route that is uphill both ways. I haven't figured out the physics, but I'm still certain we did it.


-When in doubt, follow the herd. Unless it's a herd of lemmings. Never follow lemmings.
-When security lets someone bring two unsearched shoulder bags and box theoretically containing a nargile (hookah) into the stadium, but takes your pocket lighter, you might not want to count on them for actual security.
-Football (soccer) stadiums are built to fit 50,000 raging lunatic fans, all of whom would die if someone even thought about screaming "fire."



-Drunken, celebratory football hooligans fall into the same category as lemmings.
-Do not give money to the stray children that live by the stadium, they get clingy.
-When in need of a guide, simply make eye contact with an underage local.* This is close enough to flirting and more than adequate encouragement for them to bop over and try to communicate. But good luck trying to ditch them after reaching the train station. (*Note: Only valid when used with underage males. DO NOT ATTEMPT otherwise.)
-Speaking in loud, rapid-fire English on the train will earn you dirty looks and dirtier come-ons from drunken middle-aged Turkish men.
-Try to stay out of the aisle as police officers come to escort away said drunken middle-aged Turkish men.
-When the train breaks down at 7:00 AM and you're supposed to be at work at 8:30, sleep through it to avoid homicidal interactions with train operators.
-When the train doesn't arrive at your destination until two hours later than it should have and you are forced to go immediately to work, unshowered and cranky, coffee is a completely reasonable first priority.


In other news, one of the Russians is leaving us in roughly a week. Not the Moldovan, whose name I finally learned via a sneaky, I-can't-spell-your-name-please-type-it-in-my-phone-with-you-phone-number scheme, (Valentina), but Marina- the one who speaks at least a little English. Not that she's been using it, as of recently our interactions have been limited to cutting each other in the shower line in the morning and blaming the language barrier... think Space Race, but less high-tech and more hygienic... but she's still capable of communicating. Valentina can't speak a word. Still. And I don't have the mental capacity to take on Russian. It's going to be an interesting few months.


Alex, Marina, and I